Interpreting Your Post: The Instagram Files

 

Influencer posts picture of clawfoot tub filling up alongside “Heart Talk” by Cleo Wade

What she’s really thinking: I’m awfully lonely right now, but at least my bathroom looks chic af. Can you see the plants next to my bath? It’s like a posh jungle in here! That would be the name of my band: Posh Jungle. This granite tile floor actually represents the pieces of me. How is Ashlee Simpson doing? What do I have to do to get Gucci to send me outfits like they do to Cleo?  Can I become a rich poet, too? She's a genius.

Aspiring photographer/Account Manager posts picture of street graffiti 

What he’s really thinking: That one night at Kenny Scharf’s Cosmic Cavern in Bushwick changed the course of my entire life. Fuck being a corporate shill! Acid is wild. I wonder if I tag #streetinspo if this will filter into the Discover Feed. The girl I post my Instagram stories for was featured in Juxtapoz Magazine. I hope she likes this. I mean actually, in her mind, and literally with her thumb.

*Jillian posts beautiful picture of a couple at a wedding*

What I'm really thinking: I love them. I do. I also hate them. When will I meet someone normal that I like? Not normal like boring, but normal like emotionally available. Wait, am I emotionally available? I wonder if this post will break 100 likes. Should I enroll in the Meghan Markle School of Manipulation? Can you start a benevolent school such as this if you're a royal? I heard you can't even eat shellfish.